It’s been a while since my last post, as always. I just want to share what I see and feel right now. Sitting alone in a work desk in a co-working space look-a-like because this place is functioned more as a coffee shop, and facing a giant glass where I can see people outside. As far as I observe, I am seeing some young couples and some people in groups, chilling and working. Meanwhile, me? Sitting hopelessly and try to writing everything to keep my mind busy.
I should not drink coffee or tea, since my doctor said so. Due to my Epiglottitis, which I am aware can be dangerous, but sometimes I just don’t care. As far as I can still breath normally, I think everything gonna be normal. Simply because I believe, If I must die, I’ll die. Recently, the idea of death often came to my mind although I am not that ready. I mean, whoever feel ready for a death, right? As an attempt to keep my self sane, I keep doing what I want in my life but in fact, I am now even not sure what exactly I want in my life. I felt lost.
While still sitting, my mind jump into one scene to another scene, which honestly made me really tired. I am not sure if this is a hormonal because I am entering period or not. But I am start to aware that I am not in a good emotion since I speak to a psychiatry, seeking for a help to know me more, to know me better after going through hardest part of my life. Yes, after my parents died, I am aware that I am changed to a person that prefer silent, I avoid crowd, I am not trusting people, I often hate people, I hate everyone, and I even hate myself.
While still sitting, I felt tired and my backbone hurt. Seem it because I am sitting too long without made significant move or it is because my period, too. I wanna back home but already agreed to a friend to have a casual meet up. So after this, I will continue to sitting and see.
When in this situation, I feel nothing except tired of everything. I try to release any emotions that came to me but sometime I just can’t handle it anymore. I enclose my write for now. I am hungry.
