I am about to listed down what kind of person of me in my life so far. I never think about it, but I think this necessary. I always wanted to find myself, because I felt lost so many times. I could not think properly in most of the time recently. It may because I am in my years of depression. I have been always denial, to accept that I am vulnerable and depressed. I am depressed from long time ago, but it accelerated when both my parents died. I am not sure how I could regain my self confidence until now. But I think I should start again. My condition were worst back then, until I think I found someone who can be my support system when I felt down. I knew him, his family, his circle and his life but then, everything gone blurred again. He left and dig the deepest hole in my heart and drag down my life. I am not trying to exaggerate but this is how I feel. I am still not recovered until now, but I think I should. I am still think that none can understand what I feel.
As consequences, I keep pushing people who want to help me, or even just to have time with me. I am too hurt and often made people hurt. I am not letting people to try to help me. I keep pushing them, reject them, ignore them, and hurt them. Even I realise that my family also attempt to made an effort to win my heart again, but I remain silent and show my world is fine. I am in pain, I am dying. How can someone who love me hurt me so bad, the only hope to be a good support system, who ever said to prepare a safety net for me, gone like the winds in a blink of an eye. Tragic.
In the bright side, I can romanticize all tragical events that happened in my life. So yeah, from now on, I will start a new perspective in mylife and trying to see everything with romantic approach. I am tired of being not me. I am tired of being sad. Even if I am in a real sad, I think I just need to let the day pass. I only have a bad day, not a bad life.
Anyway, back to the topic, what kind of people I am…I will just start to listed down.
- I love doing sports because it can make me off thinking on how blurred my life. I love cycling, slow walking, hiking and diving.
- I love writing, yes, indeed. But I often not confidence to write. But now, I need more confidence in writing.
- I love sit in hours in a cofeeshop just to have a vibe of working together. Well, actually I love to sit everywhere just to see people doing their activity but coffeeshop is one of kind place that made me could done both working and daydreaming.
Oh no, suddenly I am experiencing brain block. Maybe I will add later. It seems hard for me to see what are actually can move my heart. Is it a bad sign? I am afraid. I though I can write many things on what I love, but in fact…I could only think three things. Poor me. Or it is because I have a negative view in my life? I am not sure. Again, I only need to train my brain to believe that: it is only a bad day, not a bad life.
I shall continue my writing now, today is Tuesday, 02.44pm at my home, sitting and writing…what an unusual!
I served myself with a cup of hot tea and a lemon puff snack. Begin to think what I should do now, because I am starting to think bad again. So yeah, let’s think about something that I love.
- I love seeing trees, photographed it, filming it…especially when the sun come through the leaves… oh I just googled it when sun lights scattered/leaking through trees called Komorebi in Japan. Hmm.. interesting knowledge.
- Oh ya, I love hot water both for drinking and for shower. I know it may not good if we use hot shower frequently, but I love it and I just could not afford it now in my house. I have plan to set it up someday, but not in recent years because I consider to left the house empty.
- about food, I love seafood! all of them! because it was quite hard to find a fresh seafood nearby, so when I am going to place with many seafood options I will just agreed on the menu. If thinking I love the most, hmm… it is hard to decice actually. I love all of them! from calamary, shrimp, crab, clam, all of it!! Oh I love fish too! any method of cooking: grilled or as a soup.
- And now if we are talking about the fruits, I would like to vote avocado. Well, I love kiwi and strawberry as well. oh ya, mangosteen almost forgotten. When most Indonesia people adore the durian, I am not. I still eat them but only in specific occasion but never look for. Also, I do not like melon and snakefruit. I admitted that some of snakefruit taste so good.
- I love cheesecake and pie. burnt cheesecake for the win!
- I love drawing, alhtough I am not a good one I am doodling sometimes. I always wanting to be a good drawers/painters. I just always think that I have an artsy blood, even a bit. who knows?
- I love keeping my foot clean and dry. That is why I can wash my foot often if I am in the house.
I think enough for now, I am trying to think what else I love. Hmm….
