Easy to say, hard to proceed. Isn’t it?
Last night, I felt frigtened to a strong winds and hard rain, and localize thunderstorms. I was questioning myself on why this occured? I had some similar experiences to this situation, and I was not in my own home but last night was different. And since I had more sleeps in the afternoon, I am afraid of having difficulty to sleep. In fact, I had a good sleep with no dream! I am really grateful and I can be in time to woke up at 3.30am. And it was still raining, hard. But I am okay with that. I think I am getting used to it. Is this term a good example on how I am supposed to be get used to it?
I missed my parents, and I still not get used to it when it came to a feel that I lost them. No worries, my feelings are going better lately. I need to force myself to accept the reality although it says that acceptance cannot be pushed, but I think I have to. I have tendency to always denial with myself and my feels. I need to push myself to just admit it. Admit when I feel not okay and it is okay not to be okay. I am indeed quite familiar with this but hey, it still to accept. It may because I could not show my real feel to people outside. I am urge to showing ‘all is well’ feel to my family. Just because I don’t want let them think I am not okay with mylife. Funny, I even cried when I wrote this. I cried because I am proud of myself. Even I am realized that this is not healthy but all I need is to keep going. I need to getting used to it!
I was sent this message to someone yesterday: ‘I am happy, I am sad, I am upset, I cried, I laugh, I am proud, I am fun, I am dumb, I am silly…no need to do check on me because what was that for? I am just keeping myself alive. You just do yourbest for youlife.’ After sometime thinking, those message were indicating that I am still not getting used to it whe he left with only the uncertain feelings. Oh come on, I am so ready to have a new life eventhough I am still not feeling can get used to it, I will force myself. Is it only me to think that he is just trying to pull me back? or he is just want to makesure I am desperate enough after this break up? And made this moment as the most breakthrough breakup moment in mylife? I wish I could tell, yes it is! and I am still not get used to it until now. I am not recovery, but I do better. I am not enjoying this break up feeling and want to yelling outloud with harsh word to him…but I just can’t, I just feel dumb and dumber.
I know, I need to deal with this to get used to it, and I know I will. Just don’t dare to come and say hi. I promise to myself that yesterday is the last one. Even If someday I forget about it, I hope I can find my writing and feelings that attached on this to remind how I need to forced myself to do that, to get used to it.
Oh dear myself, you are doing okay, you have right to be broken but not again. You promise yourself, right. I was only a bad day, not a bad life. I trust you.
